Knowing the dramas that often befall the terrible trio (Jennifer, Diane and Ian), Muhunthan and Kylie smartly departed on their trip to Kavieng a few days early, with Emma keeping a low profile until she was safely registered at the Airways Hotel in Port Moresby before introducing herself!
Getting there is half the fun - but you really want to get there ...
Jennifer and Diane’s trip got off to a good start, having to purchase a walk-in flight at Sydney airport to get to Brisbane in time for their connecting flight to Port Moresby. For some reason their Sydney – Brisbane flight had been booked for the day before, which they had no chance of detecting as their tickets had already gone astray in the post. (Getting a sense of why Muhunthan and Kylie left early?)
Having purchased the last two tickets on the plane, seated right at the back of the plane, feeling as though they were traveling in the toilet, they thought all was well. Not for long. Check-in at the international airport at Brisbane took much longer than anticipated due to the luggage carousel breaking down. Again, they ended up with seats at the back of the plane (is there something the airlines know about them?). At least, they arrived in PNG, unlike two people who were meant to be onboard Paradise Sport - they didn't realise they had to get themselves to Brisbane to catch the flight to PNG (calling the boat from Sydney in a mad panic, asking if they could join the trip mid-way). Surely nothing else could go wrong?
Arriving at Port Moresby's airport, Diane, Jennifer and Ian discovered that they needed Kina to buy a visa into PNG. Of course, they had none. When this was pointed out to the immigration officials, they were allowed to pass through immigration to go to the bank counter, where they could buy Kina, on the promise they would return to get their visas! At least there are some places where the honesty system works! (Ian took the opportunity to collect bags from the baggage carousel before returning to immigration!)
Finally arriving safely at the Airways Hotel (it's called the Airways because it is literally next door to the airport, but surprisingly quiet), the trio discovered that Ian’s accommodation had not been booked. Yes, their room would sleep three, but two of them would have to share a double bed. Oh what a dilemma ... or was it a delight? Ian had the choice of which woman he was going to sleep with (as he did on the trip to Townsville - what is it with Ian being given the option of sharing a bed with the girls, and turning them down each time?). Not wanting to disappoint either of them (particularly with the high (or should that be large?) expectations that the girls had about yams), he opted for the single bed, leaving Jennifer and Diane to decide who was going to be the spooner and the spoonee! (Sorry, no photos are available!)
Much needed drinks by the pool were required. The trio enjoyed happy hour with Pina Colada’s and Gin and Tonics with the former Consul-General of
The trio discovered that, while alcohol is plentiful, the food may not be so. Main courses were about the same size as you would get on a plane, although dessert was quite substantial. When Muhunthan and Kylie had dinner at the hotel on the way back, they were very much confused because their main courses were so large that Kylie couldn't finish her meal and there was no way they were going to be able to eat dessert. Clearly, yet another trick played on the hapless three.
Rumour has it that safe sex was the go that evening as Jennifer rolled herself up tightly in the blanket (the only blanket!) like a condomed cocoon. Diane's desperate tugging at the blanket in the early hours of the morning in a cold bodily state did nothing to raise Jennifer from her sleep. At that point, Diane having been left both emotionally and physically cold, quickly decided that Jennifer was only going to be a “one night stand”.
Trouble at the airport; thankfully no arrests
Bad luck aside, surely that was it? But alas, everyone flying out of Port Moresby that day had to suffer the fact that the x-ray machine was broken. (There was a sign on the x-ray machine, which was the subject of quite a few photographs. Diane was actually asked by security staff to delete the photograph she had taken of the x-ray machine; they didn't know she had taken two!)
Upon Ian’s bag search, his mosquito repellent was confiscated, probably later on-sold on the street for a few Kina. Interestingly, Ian was the only to have anything taken off him. Muhunthan and Kylie, who had arrived at the airport well ahead of the others, went through without a search at all. Security staff merely asked where they had come from and what was in the bags, and that was enough for them to receive a "Security Checked" sticker on their bags.
Talking about searches, back in Sydney, as Diane's hand luggage was being x-rayed, Jennifer helpfully piped up and asked, "You didn't bring your vibrator, did you?" Although Jennifer didn't mean for the security staff to hear, they certainly did and made a point of letting Jennifer and Diane know that they had heard.
Muhunthan and Kylie waited patiently for the others to arrive, with blue and white dive flags in hand. With Kylie stressing about the fact that Diane, Jennifer and Ian had not appeared even after the flight was called, they boarded the plane. Emma boarded, not that Muhunthan or Kylie knew because they had never met Emma! But still no sign of the terrible trio. Diane eventually appeared, but no Jennifer and Ian (perhaps Diane was upset with Ian rejecting her and dissatisfied with Jennifer). Finally, Jennifer and Ian appeared … apparently when they were checking in, the boarding ticket printer broke! And yes, they were the last people on board the plane, with Jennifer arriving and exclaiming at the top of her voice to Muhunthan and Kylie so that everyone on the plane could hear, "YOU HAVE THE KING BED!".
Air Niugini's inflight service comprised a couple of biscuits in a plastic cup (no, you didn't have to consume the biscuits in the cup). Across the top of the cup was a sticker that said, "Take me home with you." Some of the terrible trio thought they should put the sticker on themselves, much to the amusement of local passengers. Jennifer even resorted to putting the sticker on her forehead! Diane was very tempted to let everyone know how bad Jennifer really was in bed ...
No bananas, and no intoxicating yams of sizable proportions, but ...
Eventually, everyone made it to Kavieng and on board Paradise Sport. All went fairly well and smoothly ... at least until the trip back – with Muhunthan and Kylie suspiciously absent again ... more later ...
Antics started immediately on board as Diane rushed down the cabin and stole Jennifer’s chocolate, throwing it across the corridor to Ian, with Jen being piggy in the middle. See, in Townsville, after sweet-talking one of the crew members into giving her more chocolates, Jennifer managed to single-handedly consume the entire chocolate supply for trip, depriving everyone on board their daily chocolate ration. She is still living this down.
Diane later stole Ian’s pillow (who had a room to himself – doesn’t he ever want to sleep with anyone?), which Ian made her give back the next day and only agreed to let Diane have it back when Ian realised he needed something from her - sea sickness tablets! So for the rest of the trip, Ian found not only a chocolate on his pillow, but also a Kwell’s sweet. Given how rocky the boat was (certainly for the first few days), Ian certainly was not complaining about the trade.
Emma managed to get her roommate upgraded and thus got a room to herself too (she didn't want to be upgraded because that would have meant sharing any way), both on the boat and on land. Jennifer and Diane seem destined to sleep with each other. However, Emma did have a late night intruder … was that Ian up to his old Ocean Trek tricks of going into the wrong bedroom? Or was that just his poor navigation skills at play? Emma was also tasked with finding out which member of the group had a tattoo on a part of the body that was generally hidden from view; we are told she did find out, but not how. Perhaps Ian wasn't the only one sneaking into other people's rooms ...
Muhunthan excited a mud crab way too much, resulting in the cooking juices shooting just past Diane’s head and splattered all over the window. Although some of them proved quite unable to crack open the crabs without serious help and brute strength to start off with, by the end of the trip, and after some local advice, the Dive 2000 group were experts at breaking into the mud crabs. They would be happy to share their knowledge ... for a fee ... involving mud crabs ...
Somehow, conversation ended up back at penetration. Diane and Ian were happy that they were able to penetrate the shipwrecks on this trip, unlike the disappointment at the Yongala in Townsville … but it did leave some people wondering what was the diving equivalent of the “Mile High Club” (not to mention one person wondering whether it was even physically possible to engage in the act at 30 metres).
Kylie asked Diane if she had AA batteries. Diane's response was, "Are they the ones you use in the remote control?" Diane's knowledge of battery size depends on usage (although Muhunthan was itching to point out that not all remote controls use the same battery size) ... The group is still wondering how battery size relates to bra cup size!
Ian found a traveling companion in Emma who gave up almost every dessert to Ian, unlike Jennifer who had to place man-traps around hers to stop Ian stealing mouthfuls.
Underwater charades failed between Diane and Jennifer on their night dive, when Jennifer, encountering some buoyancy challenges, let go of the torch she had borrowed from Kylie (thankfully, Kylie had smartly secured the torch to Jennifer’s BCD). On descending back down from the surface, Jennifer was unable to locate the torch and signalled to Diane, “Look” and showed that her hands were empty – ie. not holding a torch. Diane interpreted his as, “Look, aren’t I clever; I’ve positioned the torch on my head and my hands are free” as, unbeknown to Jennifer, the torch was perfectly positioned on Jennifer’s head like a miner’s helmet torch and was shining right at Diane. So Diane clapped and congratulated Jennifer who, of course, became very confused, not understanding why Diane thought it was a good thing that Jennifer could not find her torch. Please don’t ask how long this underwater charade went on for!
Muhunthan and Kylie were not immune from travel woes. Discussions were held over lunch early in the trip about which day the land-based accommodation at the end of the trip was required. Muhunthan realised something was amiss and, after all of the antics that the terrible trio had been up to, he certainly could not be blamed for thinking Diane, Ian and Jennifer’s trip details were incorrect … but alas ... the trip leader and Kylie were one night short for land-based accommodation! But Captain Peter (who proved to be quite good at everything, as well as being a skipper) came to the rescue and found them accommodation on the idyllic
Travel antics continued for the terrible trio on their travels home, and now affected Emma given she was now tainted by their luck. The awesome foursome almost missed their connecting international flight from Port Moresby to
Well, at least, not until they got to Brisbane airport where, in transit, the security guard kept on making Diane beep as she walked through the security machine until, on the fourth attempt, she was told to (and agreed to) walk through without having any “impure thoughts”! Perhaps Diane was still thinking about her one night stand with Jennifer ... or perhaps Diane had been tagged in the security computer in Sydney thanks to the vibrator incident!
