Being the only non-diver stranded on an island with Dive 2000 members left me with quite a lot of time to observe and learn.
Even before arriving on the
I observed that the closer you get to Uepi, the less sophisticated the form of transport is. We left on a brand spanking new jet, but on landing at
On arrival at Serghe and boarding the open top boat I handed over the role of observation to Phil whilst Diane attempted to do her “Marilyn Munroe Impersonation”. Have you recovered yet Phil?
As we approach Uepi my observation skills and learning abilities kicked back in as I was greeted by a wild man – oh sorry – it was Les, who had already gone feral and had failed to shave since arriving on the island. It was decided that in an emergency, his scratchy beard could actually be used as a scourer for any coral cuts. Oh how we wished someone would accidentally sit hard on some coral resulting in some deep embedded pieces in their butt!!
I quickly learnt the correct pronunciation for Uepi – “oopi” not “u-eppy” or “u-e-pee”. And that Grant, the co-manager, the boss doesn’t take orders, only gives them…….. unless he is told otherwise by Jill of course.
My greatest observation was that DIVERS ARE A STRANGE BUNCH. They spend at least 20 minutes on various before and after preparation, such as washing gear and putting on wetsuits that some clearly don’t fit anymore (did they ever?), or don’t fit because they are someone’s else’s (Come on Carolyn, admit you are into cross dressing) and they spit in their equipment! And even after all that preparation they still get it wrong:
- Carolyn rolls in with no fins
- Diane rolls in with fins, but decides to play “catch” with one of them with Dave as she hits the water
- Viv rolls in with no air
- Les rolls in with no weight, and no brains, proven by the fact he did not realise until AFTER he had made it to 25m and as his tank emptied he only then worked out why he kept floating up
All so they can go down in the dark water to see something that I can see just as well from the top snorkelling, except maybe Nudibranchs… And what are those things anyway, nude underwater leafless branches? I can look at those above ground in winter – but maybe not on a tropical island though.
Although I am not convinced how much divers actually see as they seem to spend most of their dive checking out their impressive, oversized wristwatches. Actually Phil’s is more like a mini laptop! I am sure I saw him sitting on the bottom of the seabed watching a dvd – “Finding Nemo” perhaps?
And what is this “O” ring they all talk about? Is it where all divers get together underwater and join a circle holding hands and enjoy a group orgasm, enhanced by the spa like feel of the bubbles? Does it get better the deeper you go? I thought that feeling of elation had something to do with narcosis???
So back to cross dressing. Carolyn wasn’t the only person trying on someone else’s equipment – although Les was forced to try and get into Carolyn’s (and damn well nearly achieved it – maybe he has lost so much weight that he really can get down to 25m with NO WEIGHTS!!!) There was also some foot fetish bootie swapping between Diane and Anthony. Anthony living in “la la land” worked his way through various fairy tales to finally discover “who’s been swimming in my boots” (Goldilocks) to being Prince Charming (Cinderella) going around to everybody in the group so see which boots actually fitted! Let’s not try and understand the mix up with the regulators which left poor Sarah totally confused trying to understand the guide, and Dave even more confused trying to understand Sarah. I think they should really teach the sign for “My dive computer no longer works, only when I am close to Jane… oh I wonder if we have got our equipment mixed up?” Thankfully Jane and Diane understood what had happened, but not before shoving poor Sarah into the dark cave who had no idea what was going on nor how much air she had!
As a non-diver, I am wondering if cross dressing is covered in the initial training, or is that more of an advanced skill?? Hasn’t anyone heard of labelling? Don’t you remember that from school? And yes Diane we do need to get you that long piece of elastic to attach your gloves to and thread through the sleeves of your wetsuit!
And how do divers pass their diving exams – don’t you need simple maths for those dive tables? Not one diver in a group can count the number of the people in their group, not even the DM’S, even with Pete pointing at two guides saying “these 3”. It’s a bit like the Rubik’s Cube….all too much of a puzzle - by the way, have you got those last 4 cubes out yet Alex???
It is pretty funny to watch half a dozen seemingly clever people keep asking “How many people in our group?” “Lets see there was Dave, Jane, Amanda.” “No she went in the Beautiful group.” “Ok how many was that? Then they count them off on their fingers and come up with several answers.
And speaking of counting on fingers, Sarah, when letting your buddy know how much air you have, there is no need to count through all the fingers on one hand. Unless you had suffered a mini shark attack during the dive you have 5 digits on your hand!
Any maybe it is not just simple maths divers have a problem with. Do they really need help with the alphabet as well? The answer to “Where is my BCD?” is “After A and before E”. It is not that difficult.
I digress…… so back to the question of “how many in our group?” Is it meant to be a multiple choice answer?
A - 5
B - 7
C- I don’t care anymore, my brain hurts
D - all of the above!!
And hand signals – are they meant to be intelligible?? They seemed to be awfully confusing. Only Anthony was consistent all week!
Someone would point at their computer and hold up 5 fingers – 50 bars of air I guess?
Anthony would point at his computer and be saying “Cool - 5 minutes to BEER OCLOCK”!!
Someone would do the two thumbs up signal – all good I guess?
Anthony would be saying “Cool it must be BEER OCLOCK”!!
Someone would do a hand across the throat signal – cut out what you’re doing I guess?
Anthony would be saying “how can he have had enough to drink, we haven’t even started yet””?
So furher observations……. Cathy and her weight belt. This seemed to be one of the BIGGEST mysteries of the holiday. It seemed a source of amusement to some how Cathy could wear her weight belt UNDER her wetsuit, and everyone was wondering how she would go on the surface with those weights and whether she would be able to float ok. Let’s not forget that women have their own personal floatation devices and I am sure I am not the only observant person who noticed those (oops that).
I learnt that Anthony sometimes wants to be a girl! Whilst enjoying the boy’s fishing trip (with Diane jinxing our hunting skills so that only the girls’ boat caught the fish) Anthony opened up his inner most desires telling us how he is good at shopping and “I wish I was a girl sometimes”. At least he redeemed himself (slightly) by using the tank holder wells as a makeshift eskie. And speaking of fishing, yes even when the other girl caught the only other fish the next day, Diane will NEVER be able to redeem herself having not put the lock on the line leaving the fish to be hauled in from several football fields away!
I learnt that Josh and Jason hadn’t been away in Byron. Jill has been rationing them – they have been hiding in a cave somewhere and she only lets them out every now and again because of the effect they have on the women. It’s funny what the sight of couple of lean, muscular, lightly haired chests can do to the ladies. Oh and not forgetting wearing board shorts like a couple of plumbers – just enough to see the crack!!! THANKS FOR LETTING US LOOK BAD BOYS!!!!!
I learnt that
I learnt that Dave needs to have a special dive map produced so that he can find Jane’s “wahoo spot”, as she admitted that the shark feeding was “the best experience of her life”. Dave, you need to ensure you have all the right equipment, (gloves are optional but only latex). Set your compass for either due south or due east or west (depending on topography.) If you have to set it due north then Jane please give Diane some lessons. Descend slowly, and just below the surface you may want to spend some time around the “sink hole” (please note this is not a swim through, you need to exit the way you went in). Keep descending slowly till you reach two bommies side by side. After spending some time exploring these, make you way to either the “
Now having given Dave a few lessons, I have to admit that being in the Honeymoon Suite did mean that I learnt a few lessons myself – from the locals. For some reason Diane didn’t seem keen in trying out the Uepi Whoopy Shuffle (at least it would be one way to stop her talking!) I have this on film if anyone wants to see the XXX version – the local version that is!
Back to observing scuba divers………………. I was surprised, given Dive 2000 members are supposed to be observant with good navigation skills, with all the nature photography hunting happening underwater, how they can be so blind on land or lack simple navigation skills. Robyn’s inability to navigate on land meant she kept getting lost and was wandering around in circles near the carvers (ulterior motive perhaps?). I mean the things you see in the Jungle, or in Dave’s case, didn’t see, when walking home one night he was frightened by the OOGA BOOGA man. As Dave explained, “Sean jumped out from the bush and scared the crap out of me”. How could DaveNOT see Sean in the bushes!! That man drinks SPF 50+ milk for breakfast to keep his complexion… and it was a full moon whilst we were there! And Phil, how could you lose Sean in a cave??? You wouldn’t have needed a torch.
And one last thing about observations, whilst snorkelling along enjoying the ocean spa bath from the bubbles below, yes I even saw Turtles, Manta Rays (sorry Dave had to rub that one in), sharks and numerous other sealife, including some weird upside down thingy - oh that was Anthony diving upside down again! Maybe that was why Anthony was so desperate to find his own boots – they must be moon weighted boots to help him dive the right way up!
